One of the google queries that found my site was “How to spot a fake power balance“. I mean it’s an important issue right? These things are bloody expensive at $59.95 a pop and who knows what sort of impact a misaligned energy holographic sticker thingy might have on those pesky meridian lines or “natural energy”!

So when do I know I’m being scammed by a power balance bracelet?
Let’s for the sake of this define “getting scammed” or “ripped off” as “paying good money for something that doesn’t have any special ability and is just a piece of plastic with a sticker on it”.

So for the people considering buying one and worried about getting scammed: relax. I have a very easy guide as to when you’ve been ripped off.

1. If you buy it direct from power balance: you’re getting ripped off.

2. If you buy one from an authorised dealer or distributor: you’re getting scammed.

3. If you buy a fake one you will also be getting scammed, albeit slightly less. The difference is entirely down to a single metric to determine how much you’re getting scammed. If you pay $59.95 then you’ve been scammed 59.95 units on the power balance scam-o-meter (also known as Australian dollars or AUD). If you have some shifty looking guy (well.. a shifty looking guy who isn’t officially affiliated with the power balance company) sell you one for $29.95 you’ve been scammed out of twenty-nine bucks and ninety-five cents BUT that means when you stand next to the person who bought a “real” one: you’re actually $30 less scammed than that guy. So in essence you’ve got the same placebo for half the price.

Half price placebo is better than full price placebo.

So out of the possible options presented so far: your least scammy way of purchasing one is from the seedy non-genuine powerband guy offering you cheaper ones. The authentic power balance bracelet at full price is the biggest scam.

Avoiding power band scam!

Power balance bands: You can spot a fake one easily. They're all fake.

The only way you don’t get scammed is if you got it free (perhaps discarded by someone reading my earlier blog or other people exposing the hoax of power balance bracelets). I suppose you could steal one, but really: it’s illegal and there’s one thing stupider than buying one in the first place and that’s going to jail for one. But it would actually cost the original scammers (or their minion local scammers) some money, perhaps less than a dollar a unit. Go into a bargain/discount store full of kiddy’s toys and plastic crap and find the cheapest plastic wrist band and that’s probably what you’ve cost them. So not worth going to jail for. Perhaps the “fake” product will drive them out of business and they’ll have to get real jobs.

So, instead of the placebo peddlers of powerbalance products: trust honest Nathan’s snake oil detection services to steer you clear of scams: if you buy a power balance band, real or fake: you’re getting SCAMMED sweetheart.. Instead (or if by some miracle I’ve stopped you wasting $60), might I suggest a donation to one of these fine, secular, charity organisations:

• The Fred Hollows foundation (donate here) – restoring sight to the poor throughout the world
• Oxfam Australia (donate here) – a number of great charitable works around the world
• Australian Red Cross (donate here) – neutral humanitarian aid with an extensive history of helping.

Sorry if that last bit was a bit preachy, but fuck me: $60 for a bullshit plastic bracelet? I mean take a look at what that means to the above charities and what they can do with it versus your typical evil scumbag placebo scam artist rolling around in piles of $100 bills having cocaine snorting contests with $10,000 a night hookers.

At $60 a pop, I'd say they could just about afford it.

Not about a particular person, I'd be here all year filling these out!

Pretty big industry this tax evasion thing.

Let's be clear: negative gearing robs taxpayers and feeds bank profits.

Have my doubts it'll be fixed.. But..

Wonder whether they'll actually look into it?

Hope it gets a chuckle from someone at the ATO.. 

Proof the easter bunny exists!

It would actually work well with the toasted cheese sandwich one for a double imaginary friend quick breakfast.

As Easter (I’m going to call it Zombie Jesus weekend from now on and wish people a happyZombieWeekend) has rolled around, check out last year’s Easter funnies post of mine (the videos are well worth a watch).

PS Hell of a lot of talent in that barista by the way. Impressive!

The "Where the bloody hell are you?" campaign.

So there was something about a nude photo snapped by some other dodgy sportsman. That’s when she became truly noteworthy (the law of “flashed celebrity pink bits” kicks in.. a la Paris Hilton et al) and the frenzy began. Somewhere in there she and her meat-head sportsman decided to call it quits.

Latest development in the saga is plumbers called to try and retrieve “an item of value” from the toilet. So a $200K diamond ring is somewhere between toilet seat and deep ocean outfall. Although as a model it’s a nice change that she might throw something other than expensive meals down the toilet.

I wonder if at the moment we have Lara Bingle bent over the toilet yelling to her engagement ring “Where the bloody hell are you?”.

Boom tish.

The BBC’s graphic on not sitting up “too straight”:

Correct posture (image from the BBC)

But the real position for corporate situations I think is quite often more like this:

Correct corporate posture.

Captain Planet vs Avatar's Na'vi

Not convinced?

Captain Planet!

Vs

Avatar Na'vi

The evidence stacks up

Both got mullets/long hair, blue skin and a love of mother earth that borders on x rated. The Na’vi are at home in skimpy loin cloths and Captain Planet is at home in red lycra underpants and dashing red boots. Both have clashed with giant robotic bulldozers, both have fought to save trees and both fell from grace to rise again with the help of the animals/mother Earth to drive out evil badguys who are hell bent on messing with the environment to the maximum extend apparently for no real reason other than greed.

The superman theory

So come clean Avatar cast: are we going to find out later that, like superman, Captain Planet is just a wayward Na’vi? Perhaps he floated across the expanse of space via one of those funky floating mountain lumps when a vine or two snapped. Then due to his link with the power (powers combined!) of the Earth he kicks arse on planet Earth for a while to inspire a multicultural bunch of “special kids”.

And I may just have found the missing link..

The missing Avatar-Captain Planet link?

Maybe it’s time for a captain planet movie? Just un-stretch the 3D models and.. well.. you’ve pretty much got the basics of a captain planet TV show.

Not only can they fly, squeeze under fridges, withstand a wide range of squash/flush and crush attempts (once I squashed one only to have then rip its “spine” out of its squashed body and keep on walking: just head, legs and trailing entrails as if nothing were the matter: better even because it was now a light weight version) but the bloody things don’t even need to piss!

The only known cute cockroach

That means there’s no “breaking the seal” problem on cockroach drinking nights thanks to this amazing little bacteria they picked up 140 million years ago. No conflicts between male cockroaches and feminazi cockroaches over the toilet seat issue.

Fantastic logic on this one "nearly fell in" etc

The cast iron bladdered creatures can stay up all night drinking in the post apocalyptic world without having to head off to the little cockroach’s room if they so choose. As an added bonus they’ve completely removed the whole awkward standing next to strangers at pub urinals issue (play the urinal etiquette game here if you don’t know what I’m talking about)!

Then after a hard night of drinking and recycling urine they can stumble home in the dark using the Earth’s magnetic fields to find their way. Amazing little revolting things.

Cyanide and happiness - excuses

Original comic found here.

Oh and why not.. Here’s another one summing up the duh-ness off Bella pretty well I reckon. Click to get the full sized one.

Twilight books summary

(see this blog for the original and other similar)

And another.

Sparkling vampire prose?

So what sucked specifically? Where to start..

• The actors appear to have been schooled in the wooden, unconvincing arts by the actor who played young Anakin skywalker from the newest Starwars movies: Hayden Christensen. That halting-having-to-think-to-move-lips acting devoid of any sort of normal behaviour patterns is unmistakeable. Perhaps the vaccine nutjobs are right and these twits caught autism from an on-set flu shot or something. All I can suppose is that they all performed admirably on the casting couch to get the roles.
• The romance plot: thousand years old and the vampire hair pile can only muster up vomit worthy lines that were probably plucked from that bastion of fine teenage drama: Beverly Hills 90210. They have done this because the target audience wouldn’t be old enough to have watched it. In fact, the Beverly Hills character Dylan has a number of parallels with the lead (much MUCH older than he looks, still hitting on teenagers, mopey brooding deserves a punch in the head demeanour, doesn’t really do much with himself except hang around brooding in lavish surrounds). That and I really don’t see how they can be so in love when they seem so perpetually miserable. The lead girl needs to stop hanging out with emotionless predators for a while and cheer the hell up. I dunno if the term “I need to feel like you’re in love” was ever uttered by the director during filming, but perhaps in their little wooden heads they thought they were naturally giving us intense chemistry. If this is the boyfriend of choice for hoards of girls worldwide: wake the fuck up! Might as well be going out with a passive aggressive plank of wood.

90210 characters

twilight actors

• The special effects were rubbish. All of them. Very not-special effects. Pay attention in physics class next time guys, or at least pay attention to how things fall. Straight line diagonal jumps of a hundred metres are not possible no matter how high on the eternal love of teenagers they are. The worst was probably the running up a hill bit (girl on the back). It might as well have been a cardboard cut-out on a slot car track. The only slightly cool idea they had was the baseball game and they managed to make that look like the cat was playing with the fast forward on the remote and once again the nonsense physics ignorant straight lines. I guess it matches the childishness of the plot at least, so it’s consistent. Next time I watch Knightrider or StreetHawk in “turbo mode” I’ll appreciate just how cutting edge those 80s movies were in their use of fast forward.
• Ridiculousness of the vampires in the movie: oh they’re vegetarians (well, not really.. they drink animal blood.. but let’s associate ourselves with our misunderstood mopey, emo target audience by claiming to be vegetarians rather than the equivalent of choosing pork instead of chicken). Quite why human blood (we’re animals too dickheads!) is so incredibly satisfying while other animals are the equivalent of tofu (Says hair-pile vampire #1: “it keeps you alive, but never truly satisfied” or some such guff). Oh and they’re all beautiful and 90% hair gel and make-up. And their eyes change colour. Oh and they sparkle like diamonds in the sunlight just to be original. So think of planks of wood with over styled1 hair and glitter! I preferred it when vampires died in sunlight: at least we have medical conditions that get close to that. Oh and they can suck out their own venom despite that whole bullshit idea falling out of favour for snakebites for many decades now because it doesn’t work and when a person is twitching/feverish and changing: dunno quite how you un-do all that just by sucking a bit of blood out of their arm.
• School-yard interaction cliché overload. With all the sledgehammer subtlety of “Revenge of the Nerds” Twilight portrays a school-yard full of stereotypes. Stereotypes save time, in this case they help you along to the conclusion that the like.. writing’s like a bit.. like.. shit n’ like really shit.
• The gratuitous X-men style unique powers. Hair pile #1 is strong, emo chick #3 can see the future (don’t even get me started on that bullshit), bad guy #1 can track people no matter where in the world they go and one of the others can fly off into a bitch session with no provocation etc etc
• Did I mention the plot? I’ve heard there are a bunch of books and the readers of those books can sleep easy as the plot was in no way removed from said books.
• Wasn’t the slightest bit concerned whether any of the main characters died. Worse, I kinda wanted them to come to a sticky end. That’s a problem for a movie. About the only ones I cared for were the supporting characters: e.g. the father having to put up with such a hurtful void of a daughter. Like a desperate furry parent animal trying to revive its dead road-kill child that had it coming because it spent all day sitting stupidly in the middle of the free-way. That girl (ok, I finally looked it up: BrendaBella) is created in the very best model of “girl who is nothing without boy”. The ease at which she throws away any possibility of a self-driven future to pursue a subservient, possibly late night snack existence is somewhat sickening if you prefer less weak willed (desperate to give up any possible normal future- just so we can hang out together!) female characters.

Anyhow, I could go on and on but I’m sure the next however many will be just as appalling so I’ll get on with something more visual:

Where's Blade when you need him?

And this little spoof got a chuckle out of me:

The acting is spot on. It’s like looking into a mirror. Oh wait, vampires can’t see themselves in mirrors. Or maybe the ones that sparkle like diamonds can.

And a facebook spoof thread of note:

A Twilight facebook thread (most likely fake, but hey would be deserved I think).

I would have to wonder though if they are jumping the gun a bit with their talk of their “partner” who is also male. The “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy is still in force.

From Sgt Hamilton Alen
Camp MXP-512 Third Infantry Division
UnitT.I.D.U,
Abul Uruj, Baghdad, Iraq.

Dear Beloved One,

I am Sgt Hamilton Alen,

A native of Iraq. I am a Military Contractor with the America troop currently serving in the third infantry division Unit in Iraq.

I am currently on duty break. My partner Darren D. Braswell,36, of Riverdale, Ga., died Jan. 7th near TalAfar, Iraq, when the UH-60 Blackhawk helicopter in which he was a Passenger crashed. Braswell worked For the Army and Air Force Exchange Service, before his death We secretly moved some abandoned cash in a mansion belonging to the former president, Saddam Hussein and the total cash is US$20,200,000.00 Twenty Million two hundred thousand Dollars.

As I write this letter to you, these boxes are in Security Company as I secretly moved it out of Baghdad to safe place.

Sir I seek your consent to help me move this money to your country location.You do not have to be afraid of anything as no one else knows about this and everything is safe. I would be pleased and grateful to you if you could assist me and my late partner Darren D. Braswel in receiving this boxes for us on your behalf as I will be heading back soon to camp in Iraq to join my colleagues. Of course, I shall compensate you with an attractive percent of the total funds for your role/efforts.

We have limited time now as you know that our evacuation agreement is been negotiated by the USA and IRAQI government, kindly get back to me immediately.

Moving the funds out of the security company is not going to be much of a problem as arrangements are being made towards that. All I want from you is your trust Please get back to me with your full nameContact phone number Preferable without delay and lets negotiate terms.

Your response will determine our subsequent correspondence. You can read more on this website for more information and explanations:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/2988455.stm

Yours in Service.
Sgt Hamilton Alen.
Email:alhamilton207@aol.com

I salute thee fair spammer. Please expect my cheque in the mail.

Now THAT is a transformer!

If I want some welding done on whatever “mad-max” vehicle I’m driving in the post apocalyptic/post comet strike world: I’ll be giving this guy a call to see what he’s coddled together out of scrappy wires, string, cardboard and metal.

Update: Image had died. That’ll teach me to rely on the internet!

Marshall family pic (courtesy of the mirror.co.uk article)

Let’s see what she does to afford such things:

Age: 50; No of ops: 3; Spent: £13,500. CARER and mum-of-nine..

I think they do the word “carer” a bit of an injustice. I’d also have to guess that (unlike their chests) it’s probably not too much of a stretch to assume this is one of those shining examples of permanent welfare sponges who does nothing except spawn large quantities of the next generation of dodgy chav welfare sponges (with a diverse range of DNA scraped off the barstools from various pubs) while mooching a council flat to boot. Good to know the tax I was paying in the UK is going to great causes like this. What would you expect really from a nation with the Queen as head of state (the UK’s prime council housing welfare sponge family).

So with a name like “Chantal Marshall” you’d think that the authors of the article would have done a quick google search to see if this person had a record of quality parenting leading up to this story.

Oh but she does this intrepid investigator can reveal, back in 2001: here and here. 14 year old Tara, now 22, featured in a documentary called “Tara’s story” in which her mum and “carer” answered criticism of her parenting technique.

Marshall will appear in a TV programme on Thursday called Tara’s Story to explain why she allowed three of her daughters (one of them being Tara) to have sex at the age of 11 – and why two of them have already had abortions.

Tara, now 14, says she had sex at 11 because Kirkby-in-Ashfield, where they live, is boring: “We haven’t got a swimming pool or an ice- skating rink. So sex is the only thing you can do.”

Would have been easier just to call the mother Chavtail on factual account of her life. You’d think after one kid getting knocked up you’d sit the rest down and explain how condoms work, but I suspect with 9 kids she’s got no fucking clue what one is or how to avoid getting pregnant.

Parental fail

Well, back to little Tara, so bored and unhappy at age 11 she started having sex for something to do. It seems when you get a bit older you find hobbies, so tells a now 22 year old Tara:

“I knew bigger boobs would make me happy but rather than getting upset about it, I decided that as soon as I was old enough I’d save up and have breast implants.

“I managed to save up the money I needed and as soon as I was 17 I booked a consultation.

“After I had my daughter in 2005 I decided to have them done again. I love the fake look so I decided to go for a 34E. I feel amazing.”

It’s good to have dreams Tara. Perhaps when your daughter grows up you’ll point her in the direction of saving up for an education rather than an operating theatre.

So now she’s big titted and bored. Or perhaps there’s a swimming pool or ice-skating rink around these days so she’s got something else to do.

Scary thing is that Tara is probably the success story of the household with her job as a receptionist and financial good sense to save up for the operation. Her sister “Terri, 25, is a dancer”. Perhaps I’ll go out on a limb and suggest that the author should have skipped the euphemism and just put down “stripper” to avoid confusion with, say, ballerinas or similar higher brow varieties of dancer. Her other sister took out a loan to get her inflated ego.

Anyhow, takes all types I guess..