Nathan Lee

I know what I’m saying on this one, so bear with me: I’m referring to moving/living around the world. It just isn’t very easy and tends to cost a lot of money one way or another. Let’s look at the ways the world is generally pretty god awful in this respect. I will end it with some suggestions on beating the system somew

Savings accounts

Anyone who has ever tried to move country will tell you that bank accounts are a pain. Something akin to removing a metre long bandaid from a hairy groin and leg over the period of your stay in the country. Try it now if you like to get prepared: length of elastoplast from ankle to pubic bone.

Conversations with bank account opening people go something like this:

Me: I’d like to open a bank account and get a credit card so I can pay rent, pay bills and receive my pay cheque.

Bank: Great, we’ll need proof of address.

Me: Ok, what’s that then.

Bank: Two of either a utility bill a bank statement or a council rate notice.

Me: But I’m in temporary accommodation and I need a bank account to get a utility bill and anyhow: the first bill will take a month.

Bank: We could use some payslips and a letter from your employee

Me: But I just got into the country and I need a bank account to get paid

Bank: I’m sorry we can’t open one then.

Or you could go down the “we need proof of your identity first” which involves:

• Certified copies of passport/birth certificate signed by your doctor/bank manager/accountant/lawyer who has known you for a certain amount of time
• Proving your address for X number of years
• Stating that you’ve lived in the country for a certain number of years

All of which is really none of their business given they’re not giving you any real interest, charge you to take it out and occasionally completely fuck up the economy via rampant stock market gambling to make vast moneys off this massive slush fund. They should operate on a “no risk, no hassle” policy in my books.

The price you pay for not opening a local bank account: a stream of bad exchange rates and very high ATM fees (5-10 dollars).

Credit Cards

If opening a savings account  is only moderate amounts of pain, then credit cards are worse. This is somewhat fair enough since you could end up costing them whatever the paltry limit that they give you as a dirty expat until you’ve beaten them over the head with your pay slips.

In the UK everything revolves around credit ratings. These credit ratings are surrupticiously collected (you get no choice to opt out!) and then held hostage (you can view it if you have a credit card of course) by the ultimate big brother credit check company: Experian. You can reward them by collecting and making your data available to anyone who pays a few pounds by.. wait for it.. paying them a few pounds.

In HK they want you to be full time employed. Doesn’t matter that you’re on a small fortune by local standards thanks to the ex-pat rate: the guy pushing the little cart of garbage bags up the hill will get a credit card before you. Here’s a conversation I had while trying to get a credit card:

me: Hello, I’d like a credit card please

bank: Sure, we’ll need to see your  ID card, work contract and a business card.

me: Well, I’m on a contract so they don’t give us business cards.

(off in the distance an alarm bell is ringing and armed guards are surrounding the bank: someone in HK that doesn’t have a business card)

bank: You don’t have a business card? (look of horror) Oh, and you’re on a contract: we don’t give cards to people on contracts!

me: But I’m on a decent pay rate I think. You still won’t give me one? What if I earned a million dollars a month, would you still not give me a card? I just need one to get internet at my flat and buy tickets etc.

bank: No. There is another option though.

me: What’s that then?

bank: You can put (equivalent of $8,000 USD) in a term deposit and we can give you a card with a ($4,000 USD) limit

me: Huh? What’s the interest rate.

bank: About 0.5%

me: You’re joking right? You want me to put away MORE than the limit and earn nothing and then you’ll charge me 20% on the balance if I don’t pay on time.

bank: Yes.  (making a puzzled look that I might not like this option)

I think the best story was my friend Sarah who went through massive hassle getting a bank account (proof of where she lived for the last 5 years, certified copies, etc etc) just to get a savings account with limited functionality only to find that her name had a typo thanks to the bank. She told the bank, they promptly closed that account. She queried what was going on and was told “oh, you’ll have to re-apply”. Sho she did, and they rejected her.

Lather, rinse and repeat eh?

Solution to the bank stuff

Try to organise a bank account BEFORE you get to the country. Strange though it seems it’s actually easier to organise outside the country than in. Once you’re in you’re dealing with twits who can’t comprehend that you lived somewhere else in the world. You’ll be bogged in a sea of conditions like “must be a citizen or permanent resident”. There are a few that offer out of country sign up. HSBC have a service for this, although don’t listen to them when they say they’re the “world’s bank”. I call bullshit, they offer a service that’s between ok and mediocre. I think UK HSBC’s best moment was: oh I’m sorry our internet banking doesn’t allow you to view your past statements online because there’s no law to say we have to. They’ll also give you a horribly low credit card limit initially and try to sign you up for an extortionate monthly fee (just swap to a normal account) but that’s better than no bank account.

Backup solution to the bank stuff

If that fails, sad though it makes me to recommend this but: Lie about the irrelevant stuff if you have to (don’t blame me when you end up behind bars).

Stuff like “tick the box to confirm you have lived at this address for the last 12 months” is the equivalent of “I understand the terms of use” or “yes I’m over 18 now show me the hamster porn”. No one really reads them after a while and when you’ve tried to do the right thing and come up against a brick wall of “we can’t” then what are you to do eh?

So you don’t give credit cards to contracts: “Oh, I’ve decided to swap over to full time..” and tick the box. If you’re working for the next year then that IS full time as far as they need to know. Neglect to include the part of the work contract that mentions “contract” and get your boss to write a letter that omits that in a non obvious kind of way.

Or you could just not get paid or buy anything. That solves the problem.

Stay tuned for more areas that the world just plain sucks if you step outside your home country..

Nathan